Please protect my heart ♥

don't sell your heart,

31 December 2009

It hurts for me to not talking to you,
it hurts really bad to even look at you,
it hurts so much to pretend that i don't know you at all when you're around me,
what's even worst is i had to do all of the above when actually myself doesn't have the heart to treat you that way.
I never meant to be so cold to you but i had to.

and i'm pretty much in denial which i let myself hurt alone to do all of that just not to let my armour down this time again.

Im sorry for the way i let go of everything i wanted when you came along but i'm never beaten, broken not defeated. I let you go with her because the girl that you want she was tearing us apart cause she's everything i'm not. I know next to you is not where i belong.

And the story ends...

I'm super tired today, not only today but since i got out from the training school. I've been thinking too much, sleeping late, going out til late, less eating, more smoking to get myself busy. Not really a good habit indeed but i just don't know what to do anymore. Lost? Maybe. Getting wilder, yes. Thats what happen when i start to live on my own, uncontrollabe. I had so much work to do with getting use to the life i'm in now, moving on and dealing with this heartache. Nobody has it easy, i know. Slowly.

I felt guilty leaving koko by his own when i'm always not around. Everytime i come in, he'll be meow-ing at me constantly with an angry tune, like he's trying to tell me, "where are you? I've been waiting for you. Why did you come late. Where have you been?? Im hungry". Like that. Haha. Pandai pulang merati bahasa kucing hahaha. Then when i start to lie down, he'll come to me and sniffs at me like "don't go again, please stay" then sit down next to me. Awww... :') i'm sorry baby, but mummy have to get herself busy to move on from now on. I'm sorry i deserted you. It feels comfortable to hug koko since he's 'buntal' but then i'll end up sneezing. Haha. I'll be updating tommorow regarding whats happening today that made me super exhausted. Even i'm blogging now, with one eye open. Haha. Mengantuk luan luan sudah. I think i decided to stay home and jog tommorow, more after this.. Sigh. I feel empty now.

My chicas; i miss both of you so much, much and much.

Chicadudes, Love ♥

30 December 2009

when did i stop being good enough for you?

I found your picture in my wallet,
still got your sweater in my closet,
i'll bring them by,
maybe tonight.

And people asking how am i doing?
But every question has you in,
i said i'm fine and i never think about you,
but you're always on my mind.

I'm getting over you,
i'm getting over you most of the time,
if i say like i mean it,
then i'll believe it like its true,
i'm getting over you.

I've been playing all the songs you hated,
i called the girl i almost dated,
she's not the one but i'm having fun,
and i'm better off without you,
and i think its what i want.

Even if it takes forever,
i'll get my shit together,
i've been doing so much better.

I'm getting over you.

out from under.

How was your day? Mine was alright. Nothing particularly exciting but i had fun with my chicas this morning before they go. Now i'm missing all the laughs and jokes with them. Made some silly photoshoots at the beach and the photos are not yet with me, soon maybe. Can't wait.

Behapa kau intepremmmm mal?? Haha. Look at those 3 photos. Ada tu mukanya di samak2, LABAAAAT!! Hahahaha.

Then spent time with my dear couzin at Tutong since she's alone and watched dvd and shop some snacks for tommorow at Pulau pelumpong and went out again with my other friend. Been getting myself busy? Pretty much yes.

Now, Its really heartbreaking when the night comes. I really feel disconnected. I hate it. Pfft. Its silly how everything i own has some memory of you. I guess its the time we spent together. You have been leaving your footprints around, dont you? Its just something you do, i can't explain..

On the other hand, my life has been turned up side down. I refuse to talk about it. Whoever said that talking about it makes it better probably not talking about this problem. Everytime i talk about it i feel like one feet shorter. And i'm able to smile about it and move forward. Things may never be the same, the future might've been tainted, if only for abit.. Though this heart is still aching but i can take it. I can do this and i keep my words straight, not just simply the kind who 'do the talk' but not proving it. Things will be better cause i saw a silver lining beyond all this.

Got to sleep early tonight and i'm not ready for tommorow but i will make it without you.

Please god, i'm begging.

Karakuchas, Love ♥

29 December 2009

A pain called desire.

Its funny how you can get the greatest pain from a single desire. tsk tsk.

Hoping today would be better than yesterday and tommorow will be better than today. If that happens, i can say life is better everyday. Truthfully? No, im not okay. If you know the shit im going through in my life right now. It'll make your head spin so much, you'll die of brain haemorrhage. Pffffft!

Its weird how people change isn't it? You think you know somebody all your life, and one day you realised that they changed so much you dont know them anymore. Its just weird. You dont know what to do, much less what happened.

What could be so traumatic that a person can flip over just like that? What destructive force could be so influential as to turn someone into someone new? Changes happen. But not necessarily for the better, if only someone can see that.

Zyan and Aamal cancelled their trip today to tommorow so i'm gonna spend time with them before they go back to LA. I woke up abit late today since i slept pretty late lastnight. Koko was waiting for me, sorry koko.. Love you :) anyways, before i picked both of them, i did a few shopping for myself and yes, the salary's out today aswell the bonus. I'm just going to spend abit this time since i'm planning to save some and not forgetting i'm going to treat my parents for their Birthday presents. hehe. We went for Brunch at DeTymz and waiting for the Ticket buyers for Newyear at Tuaran Resort to come which they didnt. We were talking about 'Hot story' about Aamal being inlove with a hot guy. Panas! Panas! hahaha.... behapa di nampakkan mal? LOL.

We were there till 9pm and zoom off to the Mall and met Abg Pyan and Azme. I miss them around and the crowds.

We didnt spend much there and off to Netzone. Chill out for a while and i send both them back. While we were having fun in the car listening to party music, suddenly the music turns to slow song. i didnt know why it came out like that because it was his Cd left in my car and when i heard the song. something bothers me and my heart felt like im mising something which i am on denial at the moment and yes, im starting to missing someone when i heard the song and all the memories just popped up but im gonna be okay. Its not wrong for me to say that i miss someone here though they're not thinking of me, maybe. Nana texted me around 2am after i send both of them back that she's at the Hospital, her boyfriend has been admitted in. Get well soon adib. So since im in kiarong, i visited Nana there since she was alone there. I picked her up and bring her to cruise around and back to the hospital. Hang around here for awhile until the time shows almost 4am now. I think i got to get home after finishing blogging this because i had to wake up early later to send Zyan and Aamal to the port :) Bon Voyage Babi kerinting and si Birah. wahahahhaha.... okaaaayyy. Please lah~

Something to share; the song that i heard in the car just now and its dedicated to whom it may concern and i beginning to love the song.

pernahkah kau sadar dirimu itu indah
pernahkah kau dengar kata manis untukmu
seandainya engkau tahu

reff:
engkau telah membuat hatiku mencintaimu
setulusnya aku bisa berikan untuk hatimu

engkau…

cahaya hatimu seindah kilau intan
engkau adalah cinta yang selalu ku damba
aku ingin engkau tahu

repeat reff

love is blind
love is blind
i want you now
and i want you now
now…

repeat reff

reff2:
dan kau mungkin yang terindah untukku
yang kan warnai hati ini selamanya
ku ingin kau hadir
di sisiku, di sisiku, di sisiku

********************************************

Your kiss, your smile, your mind
You're sunlight in my eyes
I miss your breath on my neck
When we whisper in the night

Didn't wanna want you
Didn't wanna need you so bad
Didn't wanna wake up
And find that I was falling so fast
Didn't wanna need you
Didn't wanna need anyone
Now look what you've done

Now I can't go on without you
I'm naked, I cant fake it.
I'm not that strong without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.

Your touch, your skin, can't believe the way you let me in
Don't rush tonight, I need you like the ocean needs the tide.

Didn't wanna want you
Didn't wanna need you so bad
Didn't wanna wake up
And find that I was falling so fast
Didn't wanna need you
Didn't wanna need anyone
Now look what you've done

Now I can't go on without you
I'm naked, I cant fake it.
I'm not that strong without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.

I always thought I would stand on my own
Climb a mountain top all alone
Relying, depending on no one
Now look at what you've done

Now I can't go on without you
I'm naked, I cant fake it.
I'm not that strong without you
Never thought I could love you the way I do.

Never thought I could love you
Never thought I could need you
Never thought I could want you
The way I do

Never thought I could love you
Never thought I could need you
Never thought I could want you
The way I do

I love you
I need you
I want you
..the way I do
[x2]

i dont call it love, i call it stupidity ♥

28 December 2009

Better today.

I've been going out with Zyan and Aamal this past few days before they get back to LA and after that, i'm going to miss them around but yet, i still have friends around me. Eventhough its hard for me to move on, i had to be strong and find a way to get back my smile. A happy smile without pain, hurt and doubt. I miss that. Anyway, i don't care what the world going to show me thats going to crush me. Malaaaaaasku. All i know, i'm now free from lies and i'm not going to let anything hurt me again and again. Let the fool be the next victim. What about now? Every tears i've cried, i'm never going to regret the desicions i made this time. No matter how hurt i am without you, i'm going to move on and struggle with this heartache. Enough said.

My better half couzin had her ENGAGEMENT DAY yesterday! Congratulations to bibeh and poi... I'm so happy for both of you until today. I woke up early because nana called me early in the morning. I was still sleepy but what the heck. The event start at 3.15pm. As soon as i came there, everyone was shocked with me. Owwkaaaaaay!!! :S whatever then. Owh yeah, someone came there aswell, made me TTR again..just like the old days. Brings me back to the past memories and i miss that. LOL. Banar2 haha. Orangnya ganya tau. Congratulation again to both of you! :D

So after the event, i went to chill with the girls at TK. Zyan, Aamal and Gmah. Girls night out! Crazy, loud, fun, hyper in one piece. Hahah. I had so much fun with them though i dont have enough rest since this morning.. Never been so crazy and i was behaving like i had a bottle of JD. Nyanyah! And not forgetting camwhoring! Hahah.

We were there till late and today we had to wake up early. Zyan and Aamal going to go back to LA this afternoon and we had so many to catch up this morning BUT unfortunately we woke up late, especially them.

Alright, gotta take a shower now and get busy with myself.

Love. :)

27 December 2009

if this isn't love

You see it all in my smile.
You hear it all in my laugh.
The way I walk, you hear me talk.
And know I'm no longer sad.
I got no reason to smile more now than I've ever had.
I open up my eyes and realize that nothing's quite that bad.

I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason that I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long.

You'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
You're feeling so much better.

I know about down and out.
I know about when it gets tough.
Losing my fight, can't see the light.
And you just wanna give up.
I know about being depressed.
By needing someone to love.
I also know by standing up and saying enough is enough.

Oh, I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long.

You'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
You're feeling so much better.

(Ohh whoa. Oh whoa, whoa)
(Oooh)

I feel like if I try, I could fly away right now.
All because I've finally found my smile.

(x2)
And you'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.

You're feeling so much better.

24 December 2009

I want to know what love is.

"Just because my eyes don't tear doesnt mean my heart doesn't cry. And just because i come off strong, doesnt mean there's nothing wrong"

- my love for you stays the same, eventhough i promise its over now :')

say goodbye to 8 years, goes down to drain.......

19 December 2009

Make you happy.

Thank god i'm back for the weekend for this week. We just had our exams yesterday, well actually every week we have exam for one day before we go back home for the weekend. Syg and his sister drop by at my house as soon as we went out from the training school. Syg wanted to visit koko at my house, and my mum 'proudly' bring koko downstairs and gave it to syg. Haha. My mum's favourite cat at the moment. She has been taking care of koko when we're not around, and koko's now even fatter than before. Thanks mama! Last minute plan, syg told me he wanted to bring me to kb along with his family. So i agreed, and pack my things up and zoom to Kb ;) atleast i spend more time with syg this week rather than last week and i'm happy. Alhamdulillah. I hope this weekend is worth awhile for us. I just had fun with them and his granny about him when he's still small with his other couzin, unseparatable and naughty much! And talking about ghost stories in the training school. Heheh. Its raining heavily outside and we're still stuck in Kb. Tommorow maybe we're going out again with Zyan and Aamal, Going to meet them and chill for the last time this week before they go to Labuan, working for the photography thing for the 2k10 party. Aww.. I'm gonna miss them so much for the new year 2k10 and i bet they're going to have sooo much fun :)

im tired but i had so much fun today, and i get to rest for 2 days. Nextweek we're going to go through big exam, mid-year exam. Hopefully we both get good result.

Syg sleeping over at my house later, yeay!

17 December 2009

"Poison"

You're bad for me i clearly get it,
i don't see how something good could come from loving you,
the death of me must be your mission,
cause with every hug and kiss you're snatching every bit of strength that i'm gonna need to fight off the inevitable,
and its a heart breaking situation i'm up in, but i cant control

you're just like poison,
slowly moving through my system,
breaking all of my defenses with time.
you're just like poison and i just dont get it,
how can something so deadly feels so right,
im not sure of what to do,
its a catch 22
cause the cure found is in you,
i don't want it but i do.
You're just like poison,
kiss me one more time before i die.

You ain't right take me high,
then the high it subsides,
and my body flat lines,
then you come to revive,
wait wait wait im alive
but how long will it last,
will it all come crashing down?
How many doses am i needing now?
Whats the prognosis that you will be around?
Or am i just another victim of an assasin that broke my heart.

16 December 2009

Happy advance 8th years anniversary sayaaang :)

3 months coping with all the situations in the training school wasn't that easy as i imagined, with all the fuss and fights, exercises and exams every week. Ive never been so tired in my entire life but then, i had to do it. and another 3-4 months to go before it is over. New year 2010 is around the corner as well. Hopefully i could spend my new year with syg. Too many things to be said between us, just that we're keeping it low at the moment and yet, no matter what i still love him. Eventhough it hurts me sometime to think of it, i know he knows better and loves me more. If not, why would he still be here? Its for him to decide whats best. I still miss him eventhough i see him everyday inside the training school, i miss when we spend together each and everyday before. Laugh together at my silly jokes before we go to sleep with meow koko around, how he rather spend time the whole day with me doing alot of things, how i really hate when he's trying to scare me with bugs that i hate the most, when he try to hug me whenever im sad, and what i miss the most is his love for me, not anybody else. The guy who tried so hard to win my heart once again when i was really cold to him, and again, i fall for it.. again. The guy who told me that he needs me the most than any other..and i was there. The guy who said that he needs someone to understand him like me to be there for him and i did.
Being a girlfriend, a bestfriend to him and mostly being part of his life is my mission.

So far, i'm still here with him though we faced alot of up and downs. Though the love is unperfect, we try to find ourselves through it all the drama in our lives. Though we're not worth it but its okay because we'll work it out.

and we still stay together until now..

Whatever happen next its for me, him and allah to know..

i'll always love you, syg :)

31 December 2009

took me by surpsise